Communicating Confidently

Communicating Confidently presented May 2^nd

Guest Speaker:  MK Moscardelli

Our ice-breaker question was “Is there a person or situation most intimidating to you that may interfere with your communication?” 

Some around the room responses were:  My Mother  (got some hahas) / My performance at my job now that I have been promoted/ Speaking in front of office coworkers at meetings / Presentations in front of a crowd / Fear of jumbling my words

Why is it that suddenly one cannot express themselves in certain situations, regardless of the fact they may be very intelligent?

The answer is ‘Self Doubt’. 

“What do I have to say that they don’t already know?”

“What do I have to say of value?”

These negative thoughts are self-defeating.  Why do we often think for other people?  We think about what they are thinking of us for them. 

We should realize this:

“No one is any better than me”  “No one is any less than me”

These people in the crowd – they are just people like me. People with lives that have similar experiences, thoughts and feelings as myself.  They are not perfect, no one is perfect.

Instead of seeing your audience as a sea of criticism, know that your audience wants you to do well.  Connect with your audience.

Some even say that a little anxiety is good and that it keeps them on their toes.

Visualize how you want your performance to go.  Practice, prepare, tell a story and connect with everyone in the room.  Believe in yourself if you want everyone else to believe in you.  Elevate yourself to the same level as everyone else.  You can even think about a favorite celebrity or public speaker that you admire and study them.  Become them for the moment and command the room!

Public speaking, Interviews, Jobs, Relationships – these all can be a source of anxiety whereby you miss out on opportunities of truly communicating because you weren’t being your authentic self.  Don’t let negative self-talk get in the way.

You’ll captivate your audience with your smile that holds your secret positive thoughts such as “I am smart, I am strong, I am charismatic…I am dynamic!!’

Seminar Summary by Shari LaRosa

Presentation by:

MK Moscardelli

Owner of New Role Life Coach professional coaching practice based out of Fair Haven, NJ.

Instructor at The Academy of Music and Drama for music, voice, drama and public speaking.

For help with Fear of Public Speaking visit:

http://www.mkmoscardelli.vpweb.com/

Social Media Tools & Tips for 2012

The W Forum was so honored to have Debra Smith present to our group for a very special event at Nicholas on March 20th,  2012.   Debra is a very effective speaker, educator and clearly an expert in the field of Social Media Marketing.  We greatly appreciate all her time, effort and preparedness.  Debra is extremely engaging with her audience and did not leave any questions unanswered…Our guests were truly inspired, as many informed me the next day they stayed up all night revising their facebook pages and got busy implementing her suggestions.
Thank you Debra, for a terrific and most memorable presentation!  We wish Jersey Bites and 3 Square Deals continued success!             Shari LaRosa, The W Forum
 

We were honored to welcome Deborah Smith,  Social Media Consultant and Trainer to the W forum March 20, 2012.  Deborah is an accomplished writer, business woman, and expert on how to use Social Media to enhance and grow your business.  As one guest let us know the next day, at 10 am she had been up for hours setting up her social media campaign thanks to all of the information provided by Deborah the evening before.  Deborah is an engaging speaker who was able to share her knowledge and understanding of the ins and outs of Social Media with our room full of guests in a concise and confident manner.  Each and every person walked away from the evening excited and armed with the new tools brought to their attention by Deborah.   

Heather Cosimano, The W Forum

 

 The Emotion of Jealousy

"O, beware, my lord, of jealousy:

It is the green-ey'd monster, which doth mock

The meat it feeds on."   William Shakespeare; Othello

March 14, 2012 Seminar...Our guest went around the room responding to the question "How does it make you feel when your significant other spins his head around to check out another woman?"

Some women said they don't experience that scenario, some said they really don't mind, and may occasionally do the same, and one guest said her man received her entire plate of chicken wings right in his lap. 

We introduced Cathy Noblick, a very kind, excellent and intelligent therapist practicing in Shrewsbury NJ and she had the following insightful information to share with us:

Say you are out to dinner with your boyfriend or husband and a long lost lover bombshell walks over to him.  He becomes so animated talking to her, more so than when he talks to you.  He forgets to introduce you.  Hmmm, this may arouse a feeling of jealousy...  It may be a fleeting pang of jealousy, you may throw your plate of wings at him, or it may be an all out brawl on your way home...

So what is this emotion that can create such strong reactions?  What is jealousy exactly?

Jealousy can have three different meanings:

1.  The first kind is often used interchangeably with envy...it's a kind of discontent or resentful longing for someone else's possessions, characteristics, or luck.

2.  The second meaning of jealousy refers to an intense effort to hold onto what one possesses, protective of something you have..

3.  The third definition of jealousy is the one we focused on this evening:  Distrust or suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship.

In many cases, feeling some jealousy in a relationship is completely normal and appropriate.  According to Saint Augustine, "He that is not jealous, is not in love."  That does not mean that he who is most jealous, loves most.  Many of us experience some jealousy in significant relationships, but extreme jealousy can be very unhealthy, dangerous and undermine the relationship.

Jealousy actually has evolutionary roots as a survival mechanism, to help maintain intimate relationships and help keep a mate from straying.   This was way more necessary when life spans were so short that people rarely got a second chance to find a mate and reproduce.  And the pool of eligible mates on Cavematch.com was pretty small.

The evolutionary roots of jealousy developed differently for men and women.  For men it seemed to be the threat of sexual infidelity that stirs the most jealousy.  Women respond more to the possible loss of love to a rival female.  They want to keep their man's attention focused on her.  The purpose of jealousy was to insure the perpetuation of the human species.

An interesting study Cathy noted, published in the journal of Evolution and Human Behavior, found that taller men tend to be less jealous than shorter men.  This is consistent with other research that shows that taller men have a lot of advantages in our culture.  They are seen as stronger, more attractive, make more money on average, and get more promotions.

Certain conditions or life circumstances may make a person more prone to experience jealousy....such as:  Being pregnant; Having an unattractive day; Being low on confidence; If he has been unfaithful previously; If the relationship is not going well; If he seems distant or you are feeling insecure; If you grew up distrustful of men or people in general; If your dad was unfaithful to your mom; If you have a predisposition to being a worrier; If you feel you are a "5" and you snagged a "10".

Personality, Family History, Partner's Relationship History, Health of a Relationship, Self-Esteem and External Circumstances - these are all variables that can influence jealousy.  And when several of these conditions are at play, it can get even more complicated!

The best formula for jealousy is when an insecure person is in an insecure relationship.

In small doses, jealousy can be an expression of caring, a way of testing whether it's safe to invest more emotion.  Jealousy can be used strategically in a relationship.  It is reported that as many as 40% of women deliberately provoke a bit of jealousy in a partner to get a reading on the strength of the bond.  Men apparently do this as well, but not nearly as often as women.

Maya Angelo said that "Jealousy in romance is like salt in food.  A little can enhance the flavor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening".  She was so right.  Jealousy can be the most destructive of passions.

It can create conflict and distance, breaks up relationships and in some cases, causes serious harm.

Thus the following description of jealousy:  The Dragon which slays love under the pretense of keeping it alive.

When jealousy crosses the line into suspicious or complex jealousy, it generally takes an obsessive quality.  It often functions in the absence of any confirmed infidelity or even hints or signs of unfaithfulness.    Cathy has heard patients describe the complaint that they can't stop feeling suspicious, they are sure the feelings are irrational but they can't stop and they are driving their partner away. Doubts and questions about a partner's fidelity can take a life of their own in a suspicious person's mind and at some point the suspected partner may say to themselves "I am being accused of being unfaithful and treated as though I am guilty.  I might as well be cheating".  

And sometimes people's suspicions are created by their own behavior!

However:  What to Do about Jealousy if you are Jealous?

Don't Overreact.  Separate fact from thoughts, assumptions and guesses.  Don't accuse or blame.  Instead express your vulnerable feelings, fear, or insecurity in the relationship.  Use "I" statements.  Identify a behavior that is upsetting you and use this structure:

I notice....that you talk to Jackie a lot.

I assume this means....that you are attracted to her.

I wonder....if you are interested in being with her.

If you are invested in your relationship tell them there and then how they made you feel.  It's your obligation to let your partner know how he affects you.

For jealousy breeds on mystery and unclear information!

Be completely transparent.  Communicate and share information.

Nurture your relationship.  Make time to be together.  Make sure that you are saying and doing things everyday that tell or show your loved one that you love him.

Remind yourself of what's good in your relationship!

Remind yourself of your value because there is plenty!!

______________________________________________________

If ever you feel the need to discuss personal feelings, we have a wonderful recommendation:

Cathy Noblick, LCSW

732-380-0012

www.cathynoblick.com

KEEPING YOUR PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL BATTERIES CHARGED

Provided that we are healthy, our energy level to a large extent is modifiable.

Insufficient sleep, excessive stress, inappropriate meal schedule and poor time management causes us to waste energy !

1.     Everybody has a unique 24 hours circadian rhythm encoded in their clock in the brain making.  Some people are morning people and some people are night people. This predisposes one to certain times of the day when they are at their peak performance and times when they are less efficient. This is to some extent modifiable. Imposed on us,  daily schedules are often incompatible with our own cycle and can make us miserable.

TV or the computer light used late at night affects our sleep. It increases stage 2 sleep and decreases deep sleep necessary for memory consolidation and processing. Partly this and partly natural for all teenagers, delayed phase disorder contributes to the problems they may have at school. Going to bed late on the week nights and sleeping late on the weekends, they develop the sleep pattern when their deepest sleep falls into the early morning hours ( typically during math or science class!). Majority of teenagers suffer from severe sleep deprivation, which can lead to mood disturbances, depression attention and memory problems. Maintaining as regular as possible wake up time, diminishing nighttime light exposure and promoting morning light exposure can improve quality of sleep and eliminate effects of sleep deprivation

2.    The human body is equipped with an autonomic nervous system, which regulates the function of organ systems and the level of our arousal. Sympathetic part of it, originally developed for Fight or Flight “ reaction enhances blood flow to the brain and muscles, but suppresses digestive system. It is helpful when we have to run away from a lion, but it was meant to be activated only for the brief periods of time. If prolonged it leads to multiple health problems( stomach ulcers, HTN, anxiety and many others)

In the modern civilization we learned to activate the “ stress system” but we lost the ability to shut it off. We function like the car being on park, constantly pressing the gas pedal. We don’t go anywhere and we use our energy for nothing. At the same time we eventually get ourselves sick.

Parasympathetic nervous system( the counterpart of sympathetic, helps to maintain  basic body functions and sleep) It is the right balance of the two systems that gives us harmony and health. 

The good news is that with practice and the use of simple physiological exercises we can restore our ability to regulate our bodies. Regular exercise also facilitates this regulation. 

3.    A regular meal schedule with appropriate amounts of proteins, carbohydrates, unsaturated fatty acids and appropriate omega 3/ omega6 ratio is as critical as putting gas in your car. Also it is important to keep your meals glycemic index low. If you eat a meal comprised of pure carbohydrate, ( eg. bagel or donut) it activates insulin secretion and inevitably leads to hypoglycemia 1-2 hours later in a lot of people, with all signs and symptoms of it. That’s why it is important to add to your carbohydrate -protein and fiber, to lower this hypoglycemic response.

4.    If you were to have time and think about it, you could make a list of: ‘energy gain’ and ‘energy drain’ things in your life. If you were to use this information, you could get yourself a lot of free energy and you could do a lot of things you never thought you were capable of doing.

5.    A growing number of children and adults in the recent years has been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. Typically the person is offered the medication (a stimulant) as an immediate fix for their problem. We do not talk enough about short and long term consequences of the use of these medications and we do not inform patients about alternative treatment options.    (Of course in some cases medication may be necessary, however, a negative effect of treating children with medications is that as adults, they may think they have to turn to drugs as the only means of helping themselves.    It is psychological.  There are other options that parents need to be made aware of!

ADD and ADHD, the syndrome of inattentiveness alone or combined with hyperactivity is known to be caused by abnormal brain activity as measured by brain mapping. Measuring the brain activity as a brain wave frequency on the surface of the brain allows us to guide the person how to correct the abnormality. Known in the scientific world as Neurofeedback, we call it Brain Fitness, because it is like a gym for your brain. With the regular practice one can get as good results as with medication, except that there are no side effects, and results are yours to keep.

Of course the use of neurofeedback and biofeedback is not limited to ADHD. To learn more about us visit us on www.neurofeedbacklab.com Our website is currently growing so each week you will be able to find more.

This seminar summary provided by Dr. Boesler, 

Iza M Boesler - Riverview Medical Associates

• (732) 741-3600

4 Hartford Dr, Tinton Falls, NJ 07701

Riverview Medical Associates, PA

Phone 732-741-3600,

She’s board certified in both Internal Medicine and Sleep Medicine.  She also does Biofeedback Training for stress management and to help regulate blood pressure.  Being a professional woman with two very active children, she has a great understanding of the stress women face today and has some interesting ideas on how to handle that stress.

 Iza M. Boesler, M.D.. Iza M. Boesler, M.D. received her Doctor of Medicine degree from the Medical Academy, Warsaw, Poland. She was an Assistant Attending Physician in the Department of Medicine at Bielanski Hospital, Warsaw, Poland. She also worked and studied at the Westminster Medical School, London, England and completed training at the Kaplan Foreign Medical Institute in Hackensack, N.J. She was employed for 2 years at Cornell Medical College, New York Hospital. From 1995 - 1998 she completed a 3 year residency in Internal Medicine at Jersey Shore Medical Center, Neptune N.J. From 1999 - 2001, Dr. Boesler was in private practice with South Hudson Medical Associates in Hudson County, N.J. She was affiliated with Bayonne Hospital, St. Francis Hospital in Jersey City and Christ Hospital in Jersey City. Dr. Boesler is board certified by the American Board of Internal Medicine and board certified by the American Board of Sleep Medicine. She has special interest in insomnia, fibromyalgia, stress related disorders and conquering cpap mask therapy difficulties, she is also interested in women's health issues. Dr. Boesler practices at the Riverview Medical Associates Tinton Falls. For an appointment please call 732-741-3600.

Finding Shangri La: Seven Yoga Principles for Creating Success & Happiness Author: Khadi Madama

Finding Shangri La: 

Seven Yoga Principles for Creating Success & Happiness

The Icebreaker:  What makes you Happy?  …a simple question that doesn’t always elicit a quick response.  This evening’s group of women…they knew immediately what they consider to be life’s happy moments:  Kids-Dancing-Family-Phone calls from your Kids-Tennis-a Sunset- Chocolate-the Ocean - Helping Others.  All around, family definitely seemed to rank highest on the happiness list.

We introduced our speaker – Khadi Madama.  Instantly,  I knew she was a warm, caring and engaging person with wisdom to share.   We thought she was going to discuss yoga and strictly yoga principles, but ‘finding Shangri La’, it turns out to be a much larger quest.  As Khadi said “There is more you can do in life than standing on your head or bending over like a pretzel.”

It’s so important to know yourself as a person and what speaks to you.  We are alike with our families, careers, daily chores and obligations.  Khadi wanted us to focus on a word…”challenge”.   These are challenging times that we find ourselves in.  There is an ancient story to recall of a man being chased by a tiger all the way to a cliff.  He’s holding strongly to a vine at the edge but there is no way down.  On the other side – the tiger.  Where should he go?   

Throughout most of our lives, we have had tigers behind us and have faced many challenges.   With all the distractions around us, tigers chasing us, high volume work week, family chaos – we experience disconnection.  We can feel exiled, banished, and invisible.  It is so important to find an effective means of connection…that was the next word “Connection”.

Make a commitment to yourself that your own health, well being, joy, and happiness is on the top of the list.  When faced with conflict and challenge, reach back to your inner connection.  Out of chaos or challenge comes order.  Khadi informed us that 80% of all physical illness has it’s roots in stress.  Not necessarily bad stuff going on, but possibly an overload of the good stuff too!  ‘Too much of a good thing’ can truly take a toll so strive to strike a balance.  How do we strike this balance?  Communicate with ourselves.  Apparently, the average woman has less than 10 minutes a day of personal quiet time.  For your health and well being it is imperative to find time for yourself and not starve emotionally. Find and schedule at least 7 minutes into your day.  Connect with something you love to do and with something you haven’t done.  Just find a way, if it’s dancing, get out there and dance.

Khadi described ‘The Three Friends of Winter’.  These are pine, plum and bamboo.  This Chinese art symbolism is often found in Chinese porcelain, paintings, and garden poetry. These particular three plants brave harsh winters, thus they present an instant metaphor for strength and endurance in the face of age and adversity. 

Sometimes we are so focused on the needs of others we don’t know our own needs.  Identify your passion.  If you are not happy in your role, find what speaks to you and find a means of achieving it.   Find your joy and pursue it to the extent you are able.  You have to claim your life.

The last C-word was Compassion.   Have compassion for yourself by spending time with yourself.  Without the distractions of the computer, t.v., or texting, find joy and light in your life – take 7 minutes.

Hands over heart, tongue to the tip of your mouth and breath…

Seminar summary by Shari LaRosa

W-Forum Guest Speaker: 2/8/12 
Khadi Madama

Author: Speaker: Visionary
Recipient of the Jewel Of India Award
TV Host of Yours Truly, Yoga
Yoga Creations for Media
732-341-1657
Visit www.yourstrulyyogatv.com
Author of "Finding Shangri La: Seven Yoga
Principles for Creating Success & Happiness

www.facebook.com/yogacelebrity
www.twitter.com/yogacelebrity
http://totyoga.com

The Yoga Diva On The Flying Carpet

Dr. Felicia Stoler/ Topic: How to NOT set yourself up for failure/sabotage

January 18th, 2012

Guest Speaker:  Dr. Felicia Stolar

Topic:  How to NOT set yourself up for failure sabotage     

As we typically do at our seminars, our guests went around the room and answered a fun icebreaker question....This evening, it was 'what is your biggest food offender?  hardest to resist?'  Around the room the following was heard....chocolate, bread and butter, pizza, red wine, ice cream, chips, cheese doodles in particular...All the binge food that we don't want to keep in our house, as it talks to us from the cabinets "Eat me!"

Felicia asked the guests to think about a pink elephant and quickly asked us not to think about a pink elephant....too late, pink elephant already stuck in our minds...point being if the food is there and present in our homes, we may not be able to resist thinking about it...Let's try to keep healthy options in our pantries...

Don't eliminate particular foods from your diet, especially carbohydrates that we need for energy - we will only end up having cravings and eventually...the binge!  Think about all the healthier cultures around the world that eat grains, veggies, fish and yes rice....white rice!  You can eat potatoes and pasta....just watch your portions.  Portion your food out - instead of leaving out bowls for second helpings, because often if it's in front of you - you're gonna eat it....Be realistic and set realistic goals, small changes can equal lasting changes.   If you are in a restaurant, try splitting your food in half, you can repurpose your leftovers the next day!  In addition, we are not going to bring our measuring cups to the restaurants so measure your portions at home and then split or eyeball it when you go out.

Get rid of the technology at the dinner table, especially cell phones and tv.....be mindful of what you are eating, enjoy each bite, savor and try putting your fork down between bites..

We are not victims of our genes, and cannot make the excuse that fat is in our family - make healthy choices!  'Do for yourself as you would do for others!'  Owe it to yourself to take care of yourself.  You have one body, one life and you want to ward off heart disease and delay taking medicines for as long as possible....

Remember that hunger pangs  can really be thirst...try drinking water first.  Drink water before your meal and don't wolf down your food....it takes 20 minutes for your brain to tell you you are full.

Increase your daily activity - whenever you can!    Put the gym on your calendar, make an appointment with yourself..  If you work an 8 hour day think about this...instead of that cigarette break co-workers often take, if you walk 5 minutes every hour that equals 40 minutes of walking a day.  Make sure you excercise all the muscles in your body and don't exclude  any...include those legs, they are our largest muscles!

Sleep hygiene, so important.  When do we burn most fat for fuel?  In our sleep.  Sleep helps recharge, repair and renew our bodies.  If you are not sleeping well, definitely discuss this matter with your doctor.  Turn off the t.v. for it still stimulates your brain during sleep.  Try not to do work in bed, you want to unwind, let your head hit the pillow and go to sleep!

Don't make excuses - Excuses be gone!  Make the healthy choice and don't make the excuse that everyone else's needs are more important than your own.

Don't ignore your health.  Have a bone density test by age 40.  Be aware of your numbers...the following are important:  Hemoglobin A1c; Total Cholesterol: Triglycerides; HDL; Normal Blood Pressure; Body Mass Index.   Are you at risk for diseases associated with being overweight?

Don't forget the cardiologist.  If you are over 40 have a Baseline EKG, a stress test.    Know your normal!

Last but not least, we discussed alcohol....High in calories.  1 graham of alcohol is 7 calories.    It can promote the storage of fat...  However, many women in attendance claim they are not ready to give this stress reliever up just yet! 

As we came to a close, question posed by a forum member  was "What do I do at 4 pm when I absolutely need a snack, instead of going for the cookies - what is a healthy option that will still be satisfying?"  Felicia offered the following possibilities:  A handful of almonds; a skinny cow ice-cream pop; Nutella; An apple with a little peanut butter; A small portion of cheese and crackers;   A little of my own input for all you locals:  Dearborn Farms market makes great home made rice-cakes you can spread hummus on or be inventive with and make a healthy choice!

Felica signed off with "Enjoy life and Exhale!"

1/18 summed up by Shari LaRosa